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Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
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Submitted By MoRbEuS_2142 on 10/04/09
HumorAmerica, MoRbEuS_2142, Discussions 
This Discussion originally posted in the "HumorAmerica Vault" Group

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most time he forgets to kill the cow.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
If you spell Chuck Norris while playing Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 9,000.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Threaded Hybrid Flat 15 Replies
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
13 hours - 1,294v
Posted 2010/04/11 - 8:21 GMT
thx for sharing!
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 week - 24,177v
Posted 2010/04/12 - 2:45 GMT
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
15 hours - 1,282v
Posted 2010/04/15 - 2:20 GMT
Hilarious! (I didn't get some of them, though)
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
3 days - 10,628v
Posted 2010/04/16 - 1:56 GMT
What goes through the mind of all of Chuck Norris's victims?  His foot
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
In a fight between Godzilla and King Kong, Chuck Norris would win.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
If you have a dollar, and Chuck Norris has a dollar, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
The saying "break a leg" originated in Walker' Texas Ranger.  It was used by the people playing the villains, hopeful that that would be the worst of their injuries.
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
2 weeks - 32,767v
Posted 2010/04/16 - 3:12 GMT
Nothing like a good ole' Chuck Norris joke before bed!
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
3 days - 10,628v
Posted 2010/04/16 - 3:16 GMT
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
6 days - 8,777v
Posted 2010/05/16 - 4:30 GMT
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 day - 3,177v
Posted 2010/05/17 - 22:11 GMT
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone... He kills 100 with one stone...
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 day - 4,105v
Posted 2010/05/18 - 1:08 GMT
Heck, he doesn't even need the stone. He just kills.
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 week - 24,924v
Posted 2010/05/26 - 13:59 GMT
LOL! These are funny!
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 week - 27,777v
Posted 2010/06/03 - 18:27 GMT
Click link-
type into the search thingie-
"Where is Chuck Norris?"
And click-
I'm Feeling Lucky
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
2 days - 6,410v
Posted 2010/06/03 - 18:41 GMT
ROFL lizzle! XD
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 week - 24,177v
Posted 2010/06/03 - 18:44 GMT
Hah hah!
Nice, Lizzle!
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
5 days - 10,540v
Posted 2010/06/04 - 23:32 GMT
OMAP ROTFL!!!! HAHAHAH XDDDD Those are awesome XDD
Re: Chuck Norris Jokes! {clean}
1 hour - 247v
Posted 2010/06/11 - 23:19 GMT
Chuck Noris can Chuck more Chuck than a WoodCHuck can CHuck!!!

Try saying THAT 9,001 Time as fast as you can!

Threaded Hybrid Flat 15 Replies

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