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Answering Machine Messages
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It's probably more entertaining than funny but still enjoy :3
Submitted By dinamicdiamond on 09/10/02
HumorAmerica, dinamicdiamond, Documents 
This Document originally posted in the "HumorAmerica Vault" Group

      Some answering machine messages from the web XD:  

 

 "This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"

 

         Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. 

 

Hi. This is ________ If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. ¨If you are my parents, please send money ¨If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

 

          [In a strong Australian accent]: ¨G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

 

         Hi this is _____. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

 

 

         "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

 

 

         "This is (your phone number). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of glass breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

 

         This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious

 

         Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

 

         Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.

 

         Bridge, Kirk here.

 

         No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

         I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing

 

         (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

        

         (Narrator's voice:) There ________ sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with __________ in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

        

         Next on Public Radio 91.9 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."

 

         Please leave a tone after the message.

                 

         Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses.

        

         (All Cheery) “Hi, you’ve reached ______. I can probably answer my phone right now, cuz I’m not usually not very busy, I’m just avoiding someone, so leave me a message and if I don’t call you back {slight pause, low voice} It’s you.

        

         Hi you have reached the SSA social soliciters of america leave your name and number and we will call you back as soon as we can to try to sell you something thanks have a great day.

 (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

 

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission:To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

 

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

 

This is # and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

 

Bullwinkle:  Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking,stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

 

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mektalkie-talk back real fas'.

 

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller,that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine messagewhen you call me...

 

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

 

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

 

 

 

 

Threaded Hybrid Flat 10 Comments
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/02 - 1:00 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
Wow LOL some of them I almost died! LOL!!!
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/02 - 7:29 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
Soooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!! "lol"
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/02 - 18:40 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
Yea, you should have heard avi laugh, I was sitting on my bed in my room and avi was in his room with his laptop, and he was pracctically dieing of laughter! XD


Very good Glast! I love it!!
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/03 - 0:04 GMT << In Reply to
Who's "avi?"
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/03 - 3:18 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
Aviator *my brother* the guy who posted before me XD
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/05 - 2:38 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
I had to literally shut myself up in order not to wake up my mother,
I was that laughing that much, that loud, and was dying of laughter!
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/18 - 14:58 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
OMFG
 
I MUST BE DEAD BY NOW!!!!
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/19 - 5:10 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
If I even made the slightest sound right now my itouchbwould get taken away owo
it's so funny though!!!!!!!!!!!!

LMFAOWROTFLSHTMAFO!!!!!
laughing my a$$ of while rolling on the floor laughing so hard that my apples fall off!*apples are in no way suppose to to be taken in a Pervy tense. If you did think of it that way congrats.....MacDane and I have rubbed off on you. ^^
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/10/19 - 21:33 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
LOL!!!!! ME LAUGH SO HARD!!!!!!! I couldn't stop!!!!!!!!!!!! HEE HEE, HO HO, HA HA! YES, I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY, COME HERE DARLING! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! *laughs till I cry* My mom cracked up too!
>> Reply
Re: Answering Machine Messages
2009/11/10 - 16:52 GMT
(In Reply to Item)
I'm sorry, I can't get to the phone right now because I'm too busy deciding which message is the most hilarious. Please leave a message after the tone.
 
BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

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